There's a Mouse in My Classroom!

[NOTE: also, from the old blog, published last spring]

There was a mouse in my classroom!! While on the phone with Nicole (during my prep, not while teaching) (at least not yesterday, haha...), I saw out of the corner of my eye a small object scurrying towards me. I stopped mid-sentence, turned to look at said object, then immediately jumped onto my chair and screamed "holy fuck!" I kept screaming "holy fuck" at it while it ran with all its tiny might across the room to hide under my bookshelves. I finally stopped yelling "holy fuck" long enough for Nicole to ask what the hell was going on. I explained there was a mouse in my room and that I needed to go so I could call the office. Now, when I called the office, the secretary didn't seem nearly as concerned about the mouse as I was. She said "ok, I'll let them know"--as if she was adding me to the "Teachers with Mice in their Rooms" list. Damn school.
So here's the random, crazy conversation that took place in my 8th period class today:
"OK guys, we have a mouse living amongst us. Yesterday I saw him, I screamed obscenities at him, and he ran--covering his poor little ears and saying "my naive mouse ears have never heard such words!"--to that side of the room. So .... [i proceeded to warn them not to leave any pop cans or potato chip bags in the room because the mouse already looked well-fed and we didn't need to make him feel anymore at home]..."
Then a student asked me an important question:
"Miss Kuehn, why were you afraid of the mouse? What was he gonna do to you?"
"He was going to bite my feet off."
"But then wouldn't you just kick him?"
"No, he would take out his AK-47 and shoot me."
"Miss K, where would a mouse keep an AK-47?"
"Didn't you know that all mice have mouse pockets where they can keep their weaponry?"
"An AK-47 would not fit in a mouse's pocket. And mice don't have pockets."
"All mice have Mary Poppins pockets that are large enough to fit all kinds of human-sized weapons."
"And how would their little mouse arms shoot an AK-47?"
"Oh, they have Go-Go Gadget arms, with which to shoot their human-sized AK-47s. So, to summarize, all mice have Mary Poppins pockets and Go-Go Gadget arms. They use these things to maim teachers."
At this point, my students seemed satisfied and stopped asking me questions about the mouse living in my room. We moved on to Greek Theatre.